Too Soon to Tell

It’s been nearly 10 years since I was accosted about my religious beliefs. I remember vividly the star quarterback at Powell High School bellying up to my lunch table and asking me if I had been saved. Saved from what? This response did nothing to move him. I was then told that because I didn’t attend church, I was going straight to hell, no ifs, ands or buts. He even tried to appeal to the fact that we were “friends”, you know, like how we are “friends” with people on Facebook. My face must have turned red because my lunch companion quickly told Mr. Football that perhaps it was best if he leave the table, which he did.

I suppose the streak had to end eventually – I’ve been coasting by with no one attempting to “save me” for 10 years. I suppose I was in for a treat. And what a treat it was! If you don’t know, I help people with disabilities get jobs. When I noticed that a new client had mentioned his faith A LOT in his practice interview questions, I made the mistake of asking whether or not he felt this was appropriate in a job interview. Like clockwork the next words out of his mouth were:

“If you were to die tonight, do you know where you’d go?”

“Do you believe in God?”

“Have you ever experienced God?”

“Have you ever experienced the Holy Spirit?

I suppose my response of, “It’s too soon to tell,” wasn’t funny. In fact I’m now convinced that I could have said yes (I instead told him it was irrelevant to us finding him a job) and he still would have pressed the issue. This went on for nearly 45 minutes as I did my damndest to redirect him, pulling from every iota of counseling training I had absorbed ever. I explained to him that generally you want to avoid discussions about religion or politics in interviews, which is sound advice. I even explained that an employer cannot legally inquire about an individual’s religious beliefs during an interview. Then he dropped the bomb:

“I don’t think you believe in God – you’re very anti-God.”

Now if you recall, I never actually answered his question. Why? Because of the principle of it: how dare this man come into my office and assume that I do not believe in God! Perhaps I should have hidden my book on Buddhism, but there’s also a Bible on my desk, which I’m assuming he didn’t see. Even if he did, accompanied by my favorite John Wesley quote – hello Methodists! – nothing I could have said would’ve mattered. He had already made up his mind and the fight was on.

It’s ironic to me that some people use this tactic to try to “save” others – his ignorance didn’t make me want to jump on the Jesus train - I wanted to punch his lights out. In fact, I have not been this personally rattled since that day in the lunchroom. I enjoy a good debate about the existence of God – and I look forward to the chance to delve into the great mystery that is God. I expect to have to argue a bit and explain in order to get my point across – the point that I believe that there is a God and why. But I was undoubtedly unprepared to argue with a fellow Christian about my personal beliefs. In fact, I’m trying my hardest at this very moment to not say to hell with the whole Christian thing. Not the whole God thing, but the whole Christian thing. In fact, I witness the most greed, jealousy, anger, pride, and evil-doing out of “Christians” than those who believe there are other ways to God. Most of these people are so wrapped up in their own ideas about God until they become so exclusionary that only they are worthy of His grace. Only their denomination is the right one. Only their way of doing things are best.

All of my reading about Buddhism hasn’t helped matters. Buddha encouraged all seekers to not accept faith blindly, but to learn and analyze, to ask questions and to seek for themselves. What a complete 180 from the idea that “we” are right and everyone else is doomed to hell!!

So here it is: I am so utterly disgusted with the brand of religion that assumes that their group is in and everyone else is out. The group that slanders and berates others of differing faiths; the group that shows up to church on Sundays simply to impress the other congregants; the members who give their plentiful tithe but can’t be bothered to help the sick or needy, or anyone other than themselves. I’m disgusted by the churches that don’t welcome visitors and don’t make efforts to reach those in need to offer them a place of refuge. I’m disgusted by all the talk of money and how greedy we’ve become – those who tithe the most are those with the most power. And finally I’m disgusted by those who can look another human being in the face and assume to know anything about them.

Here’s a tip – SAVE YOURSELVES! Stop judging others.  Stop mass producing the stairway to God. Stop acting as if you have the only ticket and everyone else is going to burn in hell. Stop acting so high and mighty simply because you attend church every week and can recite every hymn and creed. All of that is crap. Stop saying everyone is hypocritical – here’s a radical truth: WE’RE ALL HYPOCRITICAL!

Your actions, how you speak to others, whether you view others with the eye of compassion or judgment, whether you help those in need or look the other way – these things will be your legacy, not having the first pew of the local church dedicated in your honor.

WHEW! I desperately needed to get that out. My path to enlightenment clearly needs some new pavement. I’m not angry, I’m hurt. Imagine if I’d been on the fence about believing in God, or about going to church. What if I’d never been to church before and had been reading about Christianity and was just looking for someone to tell me about it?

It’s sad to think of the harm done to spiritual seekers due to our own close mindedness, our own inability to even consider other spiritual possibilities. To assume anything makes us all the more ignorant – to push our beliefs on others in such a hateful way just reinforces every opinion they’ve ever had about our type of faith.

Do I believe in God? It’s too soon to tell.

Get Ready To Be Amazed

I run three groups that each meet twice per week – the first two are for my high school clients, and the other is for my older but not “old” adult clients. We discuss job leads, interview techniques and other essential topics, but lately we’ve been discussing social skills. Today’s lesson was conflict resolution. The group began with the question, “Can any situation be negotiated?” After a few responses we somehow found ourselves debating God. I took a graduate level class on group dynamics, but I cannot tell you for sure how we ended up talking about God – I should probably lose counselor points for not intercepting, but I thought it best to let the discussion play out and then use it as an example of conflict resolution (fingers crossed).

All of a sudden the gloves flew off and the fangs came out – my client who months ago introduced himself as “probably the only non-Christian you will ever meet” offered the first blow: “God created man in his image. Man is flawed so God is flawed.” I heard another group member grunt in agreement. This is probably a good place to note that the group was comprised of 8 young men and myself, so there was no shortage of 20-something testosterone. I waited in silence for someone to comment, and didn’t have to wait long – another member who has been leaning on Christ to overcome addictions in his life spoke up for God, but a third actually summarized what I was trying desperately not to blurt out: Yes, we were made in God’s image, but we were also created with a mind and free-will, and we chose to sin. It is this choice which made us flawed. The aforementioned non-Christian repeated his argument – it was simply all he had.

I was thrilled that this exchange took place – it not only allowed me to wield my prowess and turn it into a teachable moment, but it also reminded me of how silly the non-Christian arguments truly are. How many of you have been bombarded by a pretty intelligent non-Christian who has made the exact argument that my client did? Yes, in the realm of logic he’s right – if X equals Y, and Y equals Z, then X equals Z. Something I’ve learned recently though, is that faith on the surface isn’t logical. It makes no sense to trust and believe in something that is unseen. It makes no sense to read a book written thousands of years ago that has been through countless revisions and translations and accept it as fact.

I’ve come to the conclusion that faith only makes sense once you have it. If you read through the New Testament you find that God looks out for us, only wants what is in our best interest, and longs for a relationship with his creation. If we choose to engage in this relationship, to renounce our sin and confess our faith in his crucified and resurrected son Jesus Christ, then we will inherit the earth. Even in the Old Testament we see glimpses of this grace – we read of Jonah, saved from the depths by a large fish and then despite arguing with God still receives grace; Ruth, whose faithfulness and willingness to follow God resulted in rewards. The Bible is simply chock full of examples – yet we doubt, we fight, we run away – it makes perfect sense to me how a non-Christian could think that Christianity is illogical. They don’t understand that the mystery of faith is not based on logic, but on that which is unseen and cannot be explained or proven. Christ can’t be explained away with a set of equations and photographs of his existence. Instead it is in the personal relationship with Christ where we begin to see him – a funny thing happens when we come to God with an open heart – he listens! When we come to God confused and hurt, he provides comfort! When we believe with all our heart, mind, soul and strength, we feel the tangible proof of Christ working in our lives through this relationship. James was right: “Come near to God and he will come near to you” (James 4:8). Of course non-Christians don’t sense the presence of God - they haven’t embarked on a relationship with Christ.

Since actually reading the Bible, processing the messages, and praying to God, Christianity seems completely logical to me: Why wouldn’t we want a relationship with our God and creator? Why would we want to give up all the promises that this relationship brings? Why would we insist on ourselves for our every need when we have a supporter and helper through difficult times? I have no idea why someone would choose not to seek God – it no longer makes sense to me personally. I’m pretty sure, though, that it boils down to fear – fear of the unknown, fear of God not being real, fear of not having freedom. Only in Christ are we truly free – free to live as God intended, free from the shame and hardship of our sins, free from ourselves.

I found this last night as I was reading Romans for the umpteenth time (it’s funny how you find new insights every time you sit down with God’s word), that I believe has summarized the great debate for me:

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

And

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38

I’m out. I think I could rest assured forever, on both of those verses that God is real, and that my relationship with him is of utmost importance. For those of you who need more convincing, I urge you to read your Bible and mine it for the treasures that it holds. Read it with an open heart, mind and soul, and be willing to be surprised by its power. Even if you haven’t accepted Christ into your heart as the savior of your life, pray for understanding and discernment as you read. Most importantly, get ready to be amazed.

Getting Real: Why You Should Wait Until Marriage

The very thought of actually posting this blog has me scared to death - which has only further convinced me to post it. So here goes:

I was not a virgin bride. I chose to give away my virginity (notice how I didn't say "I lost" as to imply that I was duped and didn't make a conscious choice) at age 17 to the guy I thought I would marry because we were "in love." The humor of this statement is overwhelming - the idea that at 17 I had a clue what love was is laughable. Even still, I dated J for four and a half years. He was my first "true love" if you can call it "love," and we even lived together. The night I ended our relationship he looked at me stunned and said, "But I was going to propose!" But he didn't have to propose: he already had a live-in girlfriend. Marriage at that point was merely a piece of paper.

I had several other boyfriends after J, and sex was a normal part of all of the relationships. At one point I'm pretty sure that my barometer of a healthy relationship was measured in the frequency and passion that each session elicited. Of course these relationships fizzled out - when the haze of great sex has dissipated, you're left having to get to know the person, and it usually isn't pretty.

Fast-forward past my past and I am now married and have been for almost a year and a half. I have several friends that waited until they were married to have sex and to even live together - I distinctly remember thinking that this sounded so stupid to me: why on earth wouldn't you want to test-drive the relationship by living together first? Why on earth would you wait until marriage to see if you can actually live with one another? It didn't occur to me until recently - we can thank God for this one - that there's a reason why God intended sex for marriage. I can assure you that my life would have been far less complicated had I learned this 10 years ago. But I feel obligated to lay this out for those of you who are in your prime, heaving with the excitement of the opposite sex, believing that your actions have no bearing on your future.

1. Keeping sex within marriage keeps both you and your spouse healthy.
This seems like a no-brainer, but I feel the need to ease myself into these points. Having multiple partners simply increases your chances of contracting something: an STD, AIDS, etc. etc. etc. Or worse, you could become pregnant. I know that some of you might think that babies and diapers are cute, but as a teen they are far from it. By the grace of God my promiscuity never resulted in pregnancy or diseases, but I was lucky. The last thing you want to do on your wedding night is explain that you contracted an STD from unsafe sex with another partner.

2. Keeping sex within marriage allows you to share something incredibly intimate with only one person.
Unfortunately I didn't consider how my actions with past partners would impact my present marriage - but I'll try to paint a nice clear picture: every experience you've ever had is forever imprinted on your brain. It isn't just that you think back to pleasant experiences with nice people. You compare them. Anytime we start comparing our spouses to others we are in danger - but anytime we have an intimate comparison I believe we are playing with fire. So remember: whoever you're considering getting naked with now probably won't be who you marry later. I urge you to think about your future spouse before you go any further - your body should be the most important gift you can give to them.

3. There's no such thing as "casual sex."
I won't blabber on and on about this one, but for those of you who have ever been told that sex can be "casual," please reconsider. Do not let the media or your friends convince you otherwise. Our society has unfortunately taken something that is meant to be sacred and holy and turned it into just another to-do on our lists. Do not let the Samanthas (Sex and the City) of the world fool you. There are consequences, there are emotions involved.

4. Relationships built on sex aren't truly intimate.
This one really hit me this evening as I was considering my sexual past - what I thought was intimacy was just a haze. I think we psychologically want to believe that having sex means that we're extremely connected to the other person, but in reality, you could be running on fumes. Meaning that for those of us with hormones pumping through our veins, there's no intimacy to it - it's simply physical. As I mentioned before, eventually the high wears off and you're stuck having to get to actually know the person. What should have been the foundation to your relationship is now the emergency action to revive it. Relationships built on friendship, courtship and genuine time getting to know one another are far stronger than those built on the whim of the moment.

5. Love takes time.
If I had a quarter for everytime I threw this word around believing that I actually meant it I would be a billionaire. The fact is that you have no idea what love really is until you're in the trenches with your spouse, attempting to make a life together, pay bills, and deal with life's everyday-ness. Love doesn't magically appear at the drop of a hat, but is built layer upon layer through experiences shared and getting to know one another. I realize now that the man I thought I was "in love" with and "would marry someday" turned out to be a nobody - while he was a great guy (for awhile), I'm not sure that I actually loved him. I simply didn't know what love was. So to all of you who are bitten by the "love" bug, keep it tucked away. Keep this word for the real emotion, that you'll undoubtedly feel later in life when you've made a serious commitment to your spouse.

6. God intended it that way.
This is the most obvious reason to abstain from pre-marital sex: because God says so. Duh, right? (If you're curious where sex is mentioned in the Bible, I urge you to pick yours up and start reading!) You can't turn on the television without there being a glimpse of sex - even Friends, my most favorite show of all time, touts casual sex as an everyday thing. It's just something they do. There's no mention that it's a Biblical sin and that God condemns it. Sex, while wonderful, was intended to be shared between two people who have committed their lives and themselves to one another, forsaking all others. Read: commitment comes before sex. Only when you have committed yourselves to one another before God, can you fully enjoy the thing that God created.

So okay, you have a past. What now? You can start with what I did right before writing this post, which is to ask Christ for forgiveness. I think I had thought to ask him before, but I hadn't actually said the words until tonight - "Please forgive me!" Wow - the peace I feel is breathtaking, for Christ died for our sins - I can rest assured that my past mistakes have been forgiven, and so can you. Once you've taken this step, you can rely on prayer, Scripture, a Christian community and mentors to get you to where you want to be.

I used to firmly believe that we needed to educate our younger generations about "safe" sex since they would most likely be doing it anyway, but now I can say with certainty that there is nothing "safe" about sex outside of marriage. Abstinence is the only "safe" option - we can only enjoy sex freely and safely in the confines of a committed marriage.

Second Chances

No later than 20 minutes after posting my last blog entry did I meet with a new client who recently had a below the knee amputation. About 10 minutes into our discussion she explained that she had been battling with pretty severe depression, and before I had time to take notes in her file, her life unraveled in front of me like a big ball of yarn: two abusive husbands, both deceased; significant strains in her relationships with her children; medical issues that have confined her to her home; and to top it all off, the responsibility of adjusting to her new body. As with all of my clients, I offered her a Kleenex – all of my clients say they don’t want one by the way, only to grab one a few minutes later. It’s amazing how quickly the human psyche will stop holding itself up once someone starts listening to your problems.

The underlying issue was guilt – guilt over her past marriages, guilt over her ex husbands’ deaths, guilt over her children, guilt over not being good enough for abusive husband #1 to treat her with respect, guilt over not being good enough for abusive husband #2 to stop drinking. Coupled with the overwhelming sense of guilt was her massive sense of personal responsibility for everyone but herself – here she was, alone, wondering what she could have done better to keep her husband from abusing her – if only she had “been better” or could have “changed him.” She described her life as being at the bottom of a pit, with nowhere to go, constantly feeling like waves were knocking her underwater.

“Do you believe in God?” I asked. (I'm pretty sure my heart skipped a beat.)

“Absolutely – I pray to God all the time for him to take me home.”

I just finished reading The Christian Atheist: Believing in God but Living As If He Doesn’t Exist by Craig Groeschel. The book is an amazing read and I highly recommend it, but one quote in particular reached out and smacked me on the face:

“If you’re not dead, you’re not done. God still has something important for you to do.”

That quote alone was worth the cost of the book. I have been known from time to time to wonder what one earth I’m here for – my musings usually come in the form of me whining in prayer, “What about me, God?!” The message is simple: hope. There is hope for our lives even when things don’t make sense, and especially when we’re stuck in a pit that continues to drag us down.

Then I did the unthinkable:  I shared the quote with her. I actually did more than that – I gave her two other gems to hold onto until we meet again. The first was that we are made in God’s image – and the second, stolen from a friend’s blog, is that God’s opinion is the only one that matters. So no, she was never “good enough” for her first husband, and his family constantly judged her for leaving him – but despite all of that there is someone who created her, who loves her and has a purpose for her, who wants only the best for her: God.

This is just one piece of the puzzle, and we have a lot of work to do together to get her back to where she wants to be, but I’m hopeful that she can rely on those truths as we piece her life back together. As for me, I’ll be calling on God more often to supply me the strength and courage to help those I serve and thank him for the gift of the work I do.

The Business of Helping Others

In the spirit of vamping up my office and the adjoining computer lab, my manager approved the purchase of some motivational posters – of course I kept the best one for my own office. It is a picture of two hands cupping the planet Earth with the following words below it:

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, to all the people you can, as long as you ever can”

- John Wesley

Every morning when I step into my office at 7:00, and every time I swivel my chair, I see this phrase. It’s like a foghorn to start my day.

For those of you who don’t know, I work for the state of Tennessee as an employment counselor. In lay speak that means that I help people with disabilities find and keep employment. I work with people from all different backgrounds, with all kinds of disabilities, with all kinds of real-world problems. Of course finding work for each of them doesn’t exist in a vacuum but instead lies in knowing them very well – understanding their home life, their relationships, their support network – or lack thereof. On occasion, I am the first person my clients have ever told about sexual or physical abuse as a child, suicide attempts, or other countless pains they have endured or are currently enduring. I am glad that they tell me these things – it’s usually these pains that impact them the most on their quest to achieve their goals.

A few years into working in human services, I came to the point where I acknowledged that I needed to “shut off” work when I left the building – no work email, no work calls and no thinking about work. Essentially, from 7:00 until 3:30 I am “counselor” Burke who helps others with their needs. The rest of the time I am “Burke” Burke. This has worked until recently, but now my Bible reading and my motivational poster have begun challenging me.

I attended a Bible study this past Sunday afternoon and in addition to lowering the average age by 20 years, I also made the mistake of saying that I worked as a counselor. After the discussion on 1 John the woman next to me turned and asked, “So you’re a counselor?” This isn’t the first time this has happened – it’s as if I have some sort of fountain of human knowledge and can solve all problems if explained properly. After replying to the affirmative, she launched into concerns about her grandson who has an Autism spectrum disorder. After hearing her story, I told her that I would gather some information that I thought would be helpful – I’m pretty sure I had to repeat the last part several times because she continued with more and more information. Chris joked that I should explain what I do in such a convoluted way as to not beg questions. But on Monday, I printed off and stapled a packet of information for her, placed it in a big manila envelope with her name on it to give to her next Sunday – after all, we met at church and it’s the right thing to do.

Today I met with a client who through tears explained the personal hell she’s been living for the past week – my first inclination was to ask her if she wanted to pray. Now, I am personally just now getting used to the idea of constant conversation with God, and still find it awkward to pray aloud in front of people, but as she was disclosing her story, it occurred to me that while I had a few pearls of wisdom to share, I had no guarantee that they would benefit her. (I’m secretly hoping that my inclination to ask her to pray with me is a sign that I’m becoming less skeptical of prayer in general.) Instead of asking her if she’d like to pray, I handed her the pearls of wisdom and mentioned personal prayer as an option – besides, I had no way of knowing if she has the same beliefs as I do. She said that she had been praying a lot and I told her that I would pray for her. The relief on her face was so instant that I felt ashamed for not going with my gut and asking her to pray together.

These two experiences in particular have led me to question my “office hours” – why does it feel okay to bring counseling into church, but it feels weird to bring Christ into my counseling? After too much analyzing I think it boils down to this: as a Christian, there are no “office hours,” meaning that our duty as Christians and our call to love one another, pray for our enemies and help the needy isn’t reserved to Sunday mornings – it’s an every minute of everyday duty. I can ignore my work email when I leave my office, but that doesn’t shut off my responsibility to help those in need. Likewise, just because I’m on the clock doesn’t mean I shouldn’t use my faith in Christ to help my clients. After all, putting your faith in Christ to heal your wounds and navigate your trials is far greater than any psychobabble I can muster.

So in the future, I will continue to offer assistance to those who seek it outside the comfort of my office, and I will no longer insist that Christ wait outside in my car until 3:30. And while I’m adjusting to the removal of “office hours” I will continue to thank God that I am in the business of helping others and I will continue to recite my favorite phrase:

“Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, to all the people you can, as long as you ever can.”

- John Wesley

Countering My Own Critiques

When I first embarked on this journey, I had several looming questions that had seriously kept me away from Christ in the past – I feel obligated to honesty at this point and to disclose that I had been “lukewarm.” I was raised to believe in God, but the idea really stopped there – we didn’t attend church (for very long) although I remember saying evening prayers with my father until I was eighteen. I didn’t really consider what it meant to claim to be a follower of Christ. It’s occurred to me after months of reading, and realizing the sheer discipline it takes to follow Christ, that many of my skeptical questions I once held onto have slyly been answered through my reading of the Bible, my journaling and study, and my experiences in church.

Barrier #1: If God is love, why is there so much death/pain/sickness/etc.?

Now that I’m a “believer” this question seems silly to me – the short answer is that we caused it. Yes, we humans, who like to take matters into our own hands, who like to disobey and control our lives, cause the things we blame on God. It seems incredibly easy to blame our wrongdoings on God – “People are starving and God won’t help!” Actually, we won’t help. We won’t solve the problem of inadequate food distribution. “I know someone who suffered and God didn’t help them!” I have yet to stumble upon the verse that reassures us that our Christian walk will be like a stroll in a flower-filled meadow. In fact, Jesus teaches us the opposite – we are to give up everything and endure everything in our pursuit of Him. And besides, Jesus, the one who was handed over for the forgiveness of our sins, suffered greatly. He was mocked, beaten, spit on, and finally died – all for us. I really long for the faith enough to say that I would gladly suffer in my pursuit of Christ.

Barrier #2: Science, science, science!

Frankly I’m tired of hearing this shallow argument against God – we forget that if we believe in God, then we believe that he created everything in this world, including the marvelous scientific breakthroughs that have advanced our world and civilization. So, for those of us who believe he created everything, he also created Science. This really makes perfectly logical sense to me now – granted I’m not a scientist, but if you look around for 5 minutes, if you bask in the sun’s warmth, smell the spring flowers, or take in just how blessed we all are, you realize that science and God can walk hand in hand. You see that despite scientific conjecture, life is too miraculous and amazing to be a simple accident.

Barrier #3: I have no proof!

I am as type-A, controlling and logical as they come so I admittedly struggled (and still do) with this one. Correct: we have no proof that God exists. We also have no proof that God does not exist. If we had proof of God’s existence, there’d be no reason for faith. I’m sure you’ve noticed, but the word faith is mentioned many times in the New Testament – I’m guessing it’s because faith is so paramount to our relationship with Christ. “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” (Hebrews 11:1) If you keep reading in Hebrews you get a nice digestible set of examples of faith. Having solid proof would make the journey null – faith is hard. It’s difficult to hand ourselves over to a God we cannot prove exists – our hopes, our fears, our every thought. And that’s the point! I’ve come to really appreciate this concept lately: the idea that we must rewire our worldly thoughts and inclinations to follow Christ, the path less chosen, and it is by faith that I feel up to the task.

Barrier #4: I’m not really a “church” person.

The first answer to this is simple: there are so many “flavors” of church, chances are you can find one that suits you. But beware, church is a far greater social experiment that you can imagine. In fact, I would venture to say that there’s no greater place to be tested in your Christian faith than at church. Between committees, disagreements, opinions, personal conflicts, budget issues (the list goes on…) we are tested to stay true to the second most important command: love your neighbor as yourself (Matthew 22:39). Church can be difficult enough when you simply attend, but when you work in church (as my husband does) you begin to see the “back door” of church. It’s not always a pretty sight. But really none of this matters – the difference of opinion, the discussions about budgets – what really matters is that we’re called to be in community with one another and we’re called to praise God. That’s really what church is all about – it’s the perfect setting for us to love one another, to praise and worship God, and to have accountability and fellows in Christ who can support and encourage us.

Barrier #5: It’s hard!

Agreed – it is extremely hard. I asked my husband the other day why people wouldn’t want to be Christian, and he replied that it requires accountability. He’s right – Jesus didn’t tell us to read the Bible after our to-do list is done, or to help those in need only when it’s convenient, or to be a good person only on Sundays. He requires obedience all the time. He requires it when you’re brushing your teeth, when you’re stuck in traffic, when you’re sitting in church. I’m not sure, though, why people shirk from this – don’t we want to be better than ourselves? Isn’t life meaningless if there’s no greater purpose guiding us, God’s purpose? Aren’t we just robots if we aren’t expected to grow out of ourselves? The answer is yes – following Christ is hard for a reason. It’s hard because we’re human. Luckily for us we can lean on God when the path is difficult – we have reassurance that we’ll have support during the journey.

Barrier #6: I don’t see God in my life.

My father used to tell me that sometimes the best reaction is no reaction, that when you’re unsure what to do that you should be still and wait. I hated hearing that. I like to act, I like to move forward, I like to progress. But I’ve learned that God doesn’t adhere to my timeline. In fact, I’m almost convinced that he could care less about it. It doesn’t matter how badly I want something, if it’s not in God’s timing, I can scream and wail all I want, and it won’t make a difference. This is another beauty of a relationship with God: he slows us down and makes us wait for Him. I’ve observed a few Christians that I admire and I think, “Wow – God is really working in their life.” And then I look at mine – and because things aren’t going how I want them to go or how I think they should, I assume that God is absent. This is such a short-sighted way to live – not only expecting God to always come to me, but also in not trusting His timing, His purpose, His will. And so, while I’m waiting patiently for His will to be revealed, I am comforted again by Hebrews: “Come near to God and He will come near to you.”

Barrier #7: My prayers aren’t always answered!

Yes, another test in patience. You pray once, you expect a response. You pray ten times, you definitely expect a response. But sometimes God’s answer is no or no answer at all, and often times, we don’t like it. I have personal experience with praying continuously for something, and then having no resolution. I’ve gotten angry, sad, bitter – and then I remember that faith is about trusting God. Faith is about remembering that God is looking out for me and has my best interest at heart. God’s resolution and plan for me is far greater than anything I can imagine. And so, putting my faith into God and trusting Him, I will try my hardest to be patient.

Barrier #8: I believe in God, but I don’t want to annoy someone by sharing my faith.

As someone who has been ransacked with “witnessing” in the past, this is the barrier with which I am most struggling. I really don’t want to come across as being intolerant, or judging others, or least of all, be unprepared when asked difficult questions.  I have trouble enough explaining why I believe in God, let alone why someone else should believe in God. So while I don’t have an answer for this one yet, I continue to pray for the courage to share my faith with others and the grace to have the right words when the time comes. And once I’ve shared that moment with someone, I pray that I’ll have the discipline to be an example of a follower of Christ, for actions speak greater than words.

I admit that I’ve spent a bit of time worrying about these, simply because they creep into my mind every day. I know that they are all part of the journey I’ve chosen to be on, and for that I thank God for wanting to have a relationship with me, for wanting to hear my rants and raves, for caring enough to send his Son so that we may all be on this journey together.

A Lesson from Westboro Baptist Church

As I was waiting for Chris to arrive home from a conference in Chicago, I was looking through the headlines on my Blackberry and somehow ended up reading about a mine disaster that occurred several years ago. As I scrolled through the story I noticed a section about the funerals of the mine victims – Westboro Baptist Church was planning to picket the funeral. Some states are now passing bills to prohibit picketing from funeral services – this group has picketed thousands of funerals and events, notably the funeral of Matthew Shephard, a young man beaten to death due to his sexual preference. They protest military funerals, music venues and even sporting events. Their signs read “Thank God for 9/11” and “God Hates Jews” – even “God Hates America.” They are constantly in court – luckily for the founder Fred Phelps, eleven of his thirteen children are lawyers.

Their actions are all in the name of God – not so crazy to think about considering how many other historical events have been “in the name of God.” Believing that something is the will of God could theoretically give someone a free pass to do whatever they wanted – and there are certainly those who use this regularly.

My Lenten Bible study is taking me through Matthew, with a few chapters assigned each day – we’re also working our way through Matthew in church so I’m getting a double dose of Jesus’ teaching. The story of Westboro really reminds me why on a fundamental level I really don’t like religion – the word of God, the meaning of God’s word, and human actions can all be twisted to provide justification. What begins as an honest attempt to live based on God’s word can quickly become a way of life that is irresponsible and dangerous.

I understand that the Bible condemns homosexuality – I get it. But the Bible also condemns judging others: “Do not judge others, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you” (Matthew 7:1-2). We are not only supposed to suspend judgment of others, but we’re also called to love others, and even pray for our enemies (Matthew 5:43-48).

I know that the story of Westboro is a very extreme example of religious fanaticism, but the truth remains that others are watching us Christians – for those of you who went to Resurrection you most likely heard about the chair metaphor – and it’s so true. Sure, we’re not picketing funerals, but are we truly loving one another in Christ? Are we suspending our own human judgment of someone’s lifestyle and choices and praying for them? We can’t claim to be Christians if we aren’t prepared to live and act as Christ did and as he commands us to live.

Yes, this is difficult. Suspending judgment is one of the hardest things that I have to remind myself to do daily as I’m listening to my clients and watching their behavior. It’s hard when someone cuts me off in traffic. It’s hard when I’m asked for change on the street. Here’s something I’ve learned: Being a Christian is hard work. Jesus knew it, the apostles knew it – it requires us to stretch ourselves far past our own inclinations and desires, it requires us to be better than we conceive ourselves to be. There is great accountability in the claim to be a Christian: “From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked” (Luke 12:48).

The Challenge of Lent

Last night was the first time I had ever been to an Ash Wednesday service. This is actually the first year, despite my husband’s constant planning of Lenten anthems, that I’ve actually considered the meaning of this season. As the ashes were applied to my forehead, I felt a sense of excitement about this year’s forty days of Lent. Being married to the church music director, I am usually the first to know about the music for this season, which is second only to Advent in the church year. The choir prepares and practices for the climax of the season - Easter, after all, is a huge deal – and we celebrate it in a huge way with exuberant music, brass instrumentalists and lilies. It is one of the major peaks of the liturgical year.

It seems like the past few years all I can remember is Easter Sunday – the hours of preparation for the day’s anthems, the plans to be made with family (usually an Easter lunch at someone’s house), and generally the marking of Spring. It is a day to watch the young children hunt for hidden eggs in freshly green grass, and the day to break out your new Easter clothes.

I must admit, though, that until this year Lent has just been another church event. I’ve never “given up” something for Lent, although I can recall friends abandoning sweets, types of music, meat…the list goes on. Giving up one of my vices, however, feels trivial. I firmly believe that I could muster the willpower and self-discipline to give up ice cream, sweet tea or Friends for 40 days. It might not be pleasant at first, but it wouldn’t be a true sacrifice. Instead, I’m going to give up my most valued commodity: my time. For the next 40 days, I’m going to immerse myself in God’s word, be prayerful for guidance and let the wonder of this season sink into my heart. I am going to keep God first every day. Some of you are probably thinking that you already do this, and I applaud you – but for me, it’s a struggle to keep God first, and “finding the time” is the issue.

Being a Christian, to me, is no different than being married: you have to work hard and choose daily to be in the relationship. You don’t sit passively – you are active, motivated and passionate.   It takes dedication, patience and love. Some days you’d rather abandon your commitment than work to keep it alive. Likewise some days it’s easier to let the flow of the day capture your time with God – it’s easy to justify a day without reflection, study and prayer because of the events at work or a lack of sleep. But a relationship with Christ takes time – not only in the sense that it is a life-long journey, but also that you must dedicate yourself daily to maintaining the journey.

So for Lent this year, I’m going to revive my relationship with God by giving Him time. Luckily it only takes 21 days to form a habit, so I’m hoping that the 40 days turn into 365, and that 365 turn into a lifetime of daily time with God. It will be difficult: I like my afternoon naps and the constant playing of every episode of Friends no matter how many times I’ve seen them, but perhaps giving this time to Christ is the single most important thing I can do every day. I guess I’ll find out.

Spiritual Warfare

I have a confession: after reading Jesus, Interrupted, I fell off the wagon. I stopped reading my Bible, my interest in my spiritual journey waned, and while I don’t like to admit this, I stopped listening in church. I don’t mean that I occasionally wandered off during the announcements or the doxology; I mean my mind was officially closed for business. Admittedly, this book was a shock – all of the presuppositions I had made were shattered and all of those warm fuzzies which come from feeling connected to something greater felt dumb. Needless to say, my last blog entry was a quick spiral into confusion and anger – I let this live with me until this past Saturday, when I had the crazy notion to buy some new books. Having gained a sense of understanding from Lee Strobel’s The Case for Faith, I reached for The Case for the Real Jesus – interestingly, and unbeknownst to me when I purchased it, this book seems to be a response to Bart Ehrman’s earlier Misquoting Jesus, and the book I read, Jesus, Interrupted, seems to be a response to The Case for the Real Jesus. It appears that textual critics (read: radical liberals) and apologists (read: fundamental conservatives) are playing a game of literary footsy.

A sense of relief washed over me as I was reading the other side to Ehrman’s arguments, which seem to stem from a mostly historical/academic perspective, while Strobel leans more on the faith/emotion side -   after all, there are always two sides to everything. Still, both of them are effective – I was so quickly put off by Ehrman’s assertions and so quickly relieved by Strobel’s that really both men should win some sort of prize in psychological debate.

It occurred to me this morning that all of this comes back to faith – it truly is a mystery. One minute it’s burning brightly and the next you’ve lost it. In fact, this is what I feel like I experienced over the past few weeks – a discovery of new information, a saddening disappointment and finally a rebellion of the heart. It took me three weeks and time spent reading Christian literature to bounce back. Perhaps I handled this the wrong way. Steven Covey asserts that every time we experience something, there is a crucial moment where we choose our reaction – in other words, we can never fully blame anyone but ourselves for most consequences. In practice, we must all be disciplined enough to pause during this time, consider the options, weigh them carefully, and finally proceed – taking control of our actions and our situations.

I clearly took a wrong turn a few weeks ago. I took my toys and I went home – far away from God. I wonder now what would have happened, or rather if my personal crisis could have been averted had I put down the book, closed my eyes and prayed with all my might for understanding, for clarity, for the ability to discern between truth and conjecture. I am nearly convinced that the past few weeks would have been much more spiritually engaging than disappointing. And that’s the real point, isn’t it? Don’t run to literature, blogs or pastors – run to God. Someone summarized this as saying:

            “There is a way of reading the Bible that seems to leave God far away, off in the              shadows somewhere. It is all information and technicalities and knowledge,  but it feels like you're sitting with your back towards God. You come up against a   difficulty or question, and you go to books, you ask pastors, friends, strangers on the internet, anyone but Him. Gradually God gets smaller and dimmer.”

It’s amazing how easy it is to sit with your back against God. Instead, in light of discovery, academia, radical or conservative ideas, first and foremost give yourself to God – hand yourself over. Tricky isn’t it, how something that sounds so amazing is so difficult to do? We’re promised only good things, yet we fight and fight and fight. Have faith! And while you’re having faith, have a relationship with God – a quote from C.S. Lewis brought tears to my eyes last night as I was finishing the book:

            “The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says, “Give me All. I   don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment your natural self, but to kill it. No   half-measures are any good…Hand over the whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked – the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own shall become yours.”

In retrospect, I’m so glad I read both books – I don’t know which one is “correct” but I’ve concluded that I don’t care. This will undoubtedly relieve my husband, as I know that my spiritual warfare has been worrying him. But since beginning this process, this has been the most important lesson I’ve learned: it’s about a relationship with God. Everything else is background noise compared to that. Leave it all behind – “Come, follow me.”

This morning I opened by Bible, after having it closed for weeks, and came to one of my favorite passages from Romans 8:

            “No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.          For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”