Get Ready To Be Amazed

I run three groups that each meet twice per week – the first two are for my high school clients, and the other is for my older but not “old” adult clients. We discuss job leads, interview techniques and other essential topics, but lately we’ve been discussing social skills. Today’s lesson was conflict resolution. The group began with the question, “Can any situation be negotiated?” After a few responses we somehow found ourselves debating God. I took a graduate level class on group dynamics, but I cannot tell you for sure how we ended up talking about God – I should probably lose counselor points for not intercepting, but I thought it best to let the discussion play out and then use it as an example of conflict resolution (fingers crossed).

All of a sudden the gloves flew off and the fangs came out – my client who months ago introduced himself as “probably the only non-Christian you will ever meet” offered the first blow: “God created man in his image. Man is flawed so God is flawed.” I heard another group member grunt in agreement. This is probably a good place to note that the group was comprised of 8 young men and myself, so there was no shortage of 20-something testosterone. I waited in silence for someone to comment, and didn’t have to wait long – another member who has been leaning on Christ to overcome addictions in his life spoke up for God, but a third actually summarized what I was trying desperately not to blurt out: Yes, we were made in God’s image, but we were also created with a mind and free-will, and we chose to sin. It is this choice which made us flawed. The aforementioned non-Christian repeated his argument – it was simply all he had.

I was thrilled that this exchange took place – it not only allowed me to wield my prowess and turn it into a teachable moment, but it also reminded me of how silly the non-Christian arguments truly are. How many of you have been bombarded by a pretty intelligent non-Christian who has made the exact argument that my client did? Yes, in the realm of logic he’s right – if X equals Y, and Y equals Z, then X equals Z. Something I’ve learned recently though, is that faith on the surface isn’t logical. It makes no sense to trust and believe in something that is unseen. It makes no sense to read a book written thousands of years ago that has been through countless revisions and translations and accept it as fact.

I’ve come to the conclusion that faith only makes sense once you have it. If you read through the New Testament you find that God looks out for us, only wants what is in our best interest, and longs for a relationship with his creation. If we choose to engage in this relationship, to renounce our sin and confess our faith in his crucified and resurrected son Jesus Christ, then we will inherit the earth. Even in the Old Testament we see glimpses of this grace – we read of Jonah, saved from the depths by a large fish and then despite arguing with God still receives grace; Ruth, whose faithfulness and willingness to follow God resulted in rewards. The Bible is simply chock full of examples – yet we doubt, we fight, we run away – it makes perfect sense to me how a non-Christian could think that Christianity is illogical. They don’t understand that the mystery of faith is not based on logic, but on that which is unseen and cannot be explained or proven. Christ can’t be explained away with a set of equations and photographs of his existence. Instead it is in the personal relationship with Christ where we begin to see him – a funny thing happens when we come to God with an open heart – he listens! When we come to God confused and hurt, he provides comfort! When we believe with all our heart, mind, soul and strength, we feel the tangible proof of Christ working in our lives through this relationship. James was right: “Come near to God and he will come near to you” (James 4:8). Of course non-Christians don’t sense the presence of God - they haven’t embarked on a relationship with Christ.

Since actually reading the Bible, processing the messages, and praying to God, Christianity seems completely logical to me: Why wouldn’t we want a relationship with our God and creator? Why would we want to give up all the promises that this relationship brings? Why would we insist on ourselves for our every need when we have a supporter and helper through difficult times? I have no idea why someone would choose not to seek God – it no longer makes sense to me personally. I’m pretty sure, though, that it boils down to fear – fear of the unknown, fear of God not being real, fear of not having freedom. Only in Christ are we truly free – free to live as God intended, free from the shame and hardship of our sins, free from ourselves.

I found this last night as I was reading Romans for the umpteenth time (it’s funny how you find new insights every time you sit down with God’s word), that I believe has summarized the great debate for me:

“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Romans 8:28

And

“For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

Romans 8:38

I’m out. I think I could rest assured forever, on both of those verses that God is real, and that my relationship with him is of utmost importance. For those of you who need more convincing, I urge you to read your Bible and mine it for the treasures that it holds. Read it with an open heart, mind and soul, and be willing to be surprised by its power. Even if you haven’t accepted Christ into your heart as the savior of your life, pray for understanding and discernment as you read. Most importantly, get ready to be amazed.

Getting Real: Why You Should Wait Until Marriage

The very thought of actually posting this blog has me scared to death - which has only further convinced me to post it. So here goes:

I was not a virgin bride. I chose to give away my virginity (notice how I didn't say "I lost" as to imply that I was duped and didn't make a conscious choice) at age 17 to the guy I thought I would marry because we were "in love." The humor of this statement is overwhelming - the idea that at 17 I had a clue what love was is laughable. Even still, I dated J for four and a half years. He was my first "true love" if you can call it "love," and we even lived together. The night I ended our relationship he looked at me stunned and said, "But I was going to propose!" But he didn't have to propose: he already had a live-in girlfriend. Marriage at that point was merely a piece of paper.

I had several other boyfriends after J, and sex was a normal part of all of the relationships. At one point I'm pretty sure that my barometer of a healthy relationship was measured in the frequency and passion that each session elicited. Of course these relationships fizzled out - when the haze of great sex has dissipated, you're left having to get to know the person, and it usually isn't pretty.

Fast-forward past my past and I am now married and have been for almost a year and a half. I have several friends that waited until they were married to have sex and to even live together - I distinctly remember thinking that this sounded so stupid to me: why on earth wouldn't you want to test-drive the relationship by living together first? Why on earth would you wait until marriage to see if you can actually live with one another? It didn't occur to me until recently - we can thank God for this one - that there's a reason why God intended sex for marriage. I can assure you that my life would have been far less complicated had I learned this 10 years ago. But I feel obligated to lay this out for those of you who are in your prime, heaving with the excitement of the opposite sex, believing that your actions have no bearing on your future.

1. Keeping sex within marriage keeps both you and your spouse healthy.
This seems like a no-brainer, but I feel the need to ease myself into these points. Having multiple partners simply increases your chances of contracting something: an STD, AIDS, etc. etc. etc. Or worse, you could become pregnant. I know that some of you might think that babies and diapers are cute, but as a teen they are far from it. By the grace of God my promiscuity never resulted in pregnancy or diseases, but I was lucky. The last thing you want to do on your wedding night is explain that you contracted an STD from unsafe sex with another partner.

2. Keeping sex within marriage allows you to share something incredibly intimate with only one person.
Unfortunately I didn't consider how my actions with past partners would impact my present marriage - but I'll try to paint a nice clear picture: every experience you've ever had is forever imprinted on your brain. It isn't just that you think back to pleasant experiences with nice people. You compare them. Anytime we start comparing our spouses to others we are in danger - but anytime we have an intimate comparison I believe we are playing with fire. So remember: whoever you're considering getting naked with now probably won't be who you marry later. I urge you to think about your future spouse before you go any further - your body should be the most important gift you can give to them.

3. There's no such thing as "casual sex."
I won't blabber on and on about this one, but for those of you who have ever been told that sex can be "casual," please reconsider. Do not let the media or your friends convince you otherwise. Our society has unfortunately taken something that is meant to be sacred and holy and turned it into just another to-do on our lists. Do not let the Samanthas (Sex and the City) of the world fool you. There are consequences, there are emotions involved.

4. Relationships built on sex aren't truly intimate.
This one really hit me this evening as I was considering my sexual past - what I thought was intimacy was just a haze. I think we psychologically want to believe that having sex means that we're extremely connected to the other person, but in reality, you could be running on fumes. Meaning that for those of us with hormones pumping through our veins, there's no intimacy to it - it's simply physical. As I mentioned before, eventually the high wears off and you're stuck having to get to actually know the person. What should have been the foundation to your relationship is now the emergency action to revive it. Relationships built on friendship, courtship and genuine time getting to know one another are far stronger than those built on the whim of the moment.

5. Love takes time.
If I had a quarter for everytime I threw this word around believing that I actually meant it I would be a billionaire. The fact is that you have no idea what love really is until you're in the trenches with your spouse, attempting to make a life together, pay bills, and deal with life's everyday-ness. Love doesn't magically appear at the drop of a hat, but is built layer upon layer through experiences shared and getting to know one another. I realize now that the man I thought I was "in love" with and "would marry someday" turned out to be a nobody - while he was a great guy (for awhile), I'm not sure that I actually loved him. I simply didn't know what love was. So to all of you who are bitten by the "love" bug, keep it tucked away. Keep this word for the real emotion, that you'll undoubtedly feel later in life when you've made a serious commitment to your spouse.

6. God intended it that way.
This is the most obvious reason to abstain from pre-marital sex: because God says so. Duh, right? (If you're curious where sex is mentioned in the Bible, I urge you to pick yours up and start reading!) You can't turn on the television without there being a glimpse of sex - even Friends, my most favorite show of all time, touts casual sex as an everyday thing. It's just something they do. There's no mention that it's a Biblical sin and that God condemns it. Sex, while wonderful, was intended to be shared between two people who have committed their lives and themselves to one another, forsaking all others. Read: commitment comes before sex. Only when you have committed yourselves to one another before God, can you fully enjoy the thing that God created.

So okay, you have a past. What now? You can start with what I did right before writing this post, which is to ask Christ for forgiveness. I think I had thought to ask him before, but I hadn't actually said the words until tonight - "Please forgive me!" Wow - the peace I feel is breathtaking, for Christ died for our sins - I can rest assured that my past mistakes have been forgiven, and so can you. Once you've taken this step, you can rely on prayer, Scripture, a Christian community and mentors to get you to where you want to be.

I used to firmly believe that we needed to educate our younger generations about "safe" sex since they would most likely be doing it anyway, but now I can say with certainty that there is nothing "safe" about sex outside of marriage. Abstinence is the only "safe" option - we can only enjoy sex freely and safely in the confines of a committed marriage.