The very thought of actually posting this blog has me scared to death - which has only further convinced me to post it. So here goes:
I was not a virgin bride. I chose to give away my virginity (notice how I didn't say "I lost" as to imply that I was duped and didn't make a conscious choice) at age 17 to the guy I thought I would marry because we were "in love." The humor of this statement is overwhelming - the idea that at 17 I had a clue what love was is laughable. Even still, I dated J for four and a half years. He was my first "true love" if you can call it "love," and we even lived together. The night I ended our relationship he looked at me stunned and said, "But I was going to propose!" But he didn't have to propose: he already had a live-in girlfriend. Marriage at that point was merely a piece of paper.
I had several other boyfriends after J, and sex was a normal part of all of the relationships. At one point I'm pretty sure that my barometer of a healthy relationship was measured in the frequency and passion that each session elicited. Of course these relationships fizzled out - when the haze of great sex has dissipated, you're left having to get to know the person, and it usually isn't pretty.
Fast-forward past my past and I am now married and have been for almost a year and a half. I have several friends that waited until they were married to have sex and to even live together - I distinctly remember thinking that this sounded so stupid to me: why on earth wouldn't you want to test-drive the relationship by living together first? Why on earth would you wait until marriage to see if you can actually live with one another? It didn't occur to me until recently - we can thank God for this one - that there's a reason why God intended sex for marriage. I can assure you that my life would have been far less complicated had I learned this 10 years ago. But I feel obligated to lay this out for those of you who are in your prime, heaving with the excitement of the opposite sex, believing that your actions have no bearing on your future.
1. Keeping sex within marriage keeps both you and your spouse healthy.
This seems like a no-brainer, but I feel the need to ease myself into these points. Having multiple partners simply increases your chances of contracting something: an STD, AIDS, etc. etc. etc. Or worse, you could become pregnant. I know that some of you might think that babies and diapers are cute, but as a teen they are far from it. By the grace of God my promiscuity never resulted in pregnancy or diseases, but I was lucky. The last thing you want to do on your wedding night is explain that you contracted an STD from unsafe sex with another partner.
2. Keeping sex within marriage allows you to share something incredibly intimate with only one person.
Unfortunately I didn't consider how my actions with past partners would impact my present marriage - but I'll try to paint a nice clear picture: every experience you've ever had is forever imprinted on your brain. It isn't just that you think back to pleasant experiences with nice people. You compare them. Anytime we start comparing our spouses to others we are in danger - but anytime we have an intimate comparison I believe we are playing with fire. So remember: whoever you're considering getting naked with now probably won't be who you marry later. I urge you to think about your future spouse before you go any further - your body should be the most important gift you can give to them.
3. There's no such thing as "casual sex."
I won't blabber on and on about this one, but for those of you who have ever been told that sex can be "casual," please reconsider. Do not let the media or your friends convince you otherwise. Our society has unfortunately taken something that is meant to be sacred and holy and turned it into just another to-do on our lists. Do not let the Samanthas (Sex and the City) of the world fool you. There are consequences, there are emotions involved.
4. Relationships built on sex aren't truly intimate.
This one really hit me this evening as I was considering my sexual past - what I thought was intimacy was just a haze. I think we psychologically want to believe that having sex means that we're extremely connected to the other person, but in reality, you could be running on fumes. Meaning that for those of us with hormones pumping through our veins, there's no intimacy to it - it's simply physical. As I mentioned before, eventually the high wears off and you're stuck having to get to actually know the person. What should have been the foundation to your relationship is now the emergency action to revive it. Relationships built on friendship, courtship and genuine time getting to know one another are far stronger than those built on the whim of the moment.
5. Love takes time.
If I had a quarter for everytime I threw this word around believing that I actually meant it I would be a billionaire. The fact is that you have no idea what love really is until you're in the trenches with your spouse, attempting to make a life together, pay bills, and deal with life's everyday-ness. Love doesn't magically appear at the drop of a hat, but is built layer upon layer through experiences shared and getting to know one another. I realize now that the man I thought I was "in love" with and "would marry someday" turned out to be a nobody - while he was a great guy (for awhile), I'm not sure that I actually loved him. I simply didn't know what love was. So to all of you who are bitten by the "love" bug, keep it tucked away. Keep this word for the real emotion, that you'll undoubtedly feel later in life when you've made a serious commitment to your spouse.
6. God intended it that way.
This is the most obvious reason to abstain from pre-marital sex: because God says so. Duh, right? (If you're curious where sex is mentioned in the Bible, I urge you to pick yours up and start reading!) You can't turn on the television without there being a glimpse of sex - even Friends, my most favorite show of all time, touts casual sex as an everyday thing. It's just something they do. There's no mention that it's a Biblical sin and that God condemns it. Sex, while wonderful, was intended to be shared between two people who have committed their lives and themselves to one another, forsaking all others. Read: commitment comes before sex. Only when you have committed yourselves to one another before God, can you fully enjoy the thing that God created.
So okay, you have a past. What now? You can start with what I did right before writing this post, which is to ask Christ for forgiveness. I think I had thought to ask him before, but I hadn't actually said the words until tonight - "Please forgive me!" Wow - the peace I feel is breathtaking, for Christ died for our sins - I can rest assured that my past mistakes have been forgiven, and so can you. Once you've taken this step, you can rely on prayer, Scripture, a Christian community and mentors to get you to where you want to be.
I used to firmly believe that we needed to educate our younger generations about "safe" sex since they would most likely be doing it anyway, but now I can say with certainty that there is nothing "safe" about sex outside of marriage. Abstinence is the only "safe" option - we can only enjoy sex freely and safely in the confines of a committed marriage.
In Exodus, chapter 20, we read the Ten Commandments, and are told that we should not commit adultery. Adultery however is not defined as simply having sex outside of marriage. It's defined as having sex with a married person. Nothing is said to prohibit sexual relations between two unmarried people. In fact, if we look in the book of Leviticus, we are given a list of every situation in which we should not have sex. We're not to have sex with married people, or with family members, or with animals. We are not, however, prohibited from having sex with an unmarried person who is not in our family.
ReplyDeleteSome places in the bible, such as Mark 7:21, state that "fornication" is a sin. Christians like to interpret that as meaning "sex outside of marriage." It's not true. The Greek translation identifies "fornication" as being any "illicit (illegal) sexual activity." However, as we saw above, God did not mention sex between two unmarried people as being illicit.
While I can greatly appreciate your apparent knowledge of Scripture, this post was written out of personal experience, having indulged in pre-marital sex and the effects that it has in the present. You are accurate in your quotations but that in no way changes the importance of the message that sex, ideally, should be between two individuals who have committed their lives to one another. This is my personal opinion having lived through personal experience.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your comment!